This Thing Called Ego - Part 1
The Ego is quite a confusing topic for many, largely in part because of the different ways it is defined and understood depending on what tradition a person is coming from. Eastern traditions conceptualize it in ways that are at times quite distinct from more Western traditions. In my opinion, the blending of Eastern and Western traditions over the past century, has made way for a wide range of interpretations on what this thing called the Ego is. In our current climate of spiritual awakening I have heard many people use the term in a variety of ways, often from a place of judgement. To be honest, most people I meet often use the word but seem to have a very vague grasp of what they are referring to. I have wanted to share my own understanding of Ego from a wider perspective for a decade, but the time never seemed right. I suppose I had a lot more to learn in order to be able to describe from a direct phenomenological place the layers that comprise this thing we call Ego. My old self would have started with a long historical background. But I’ll skip the literature review this time for all our sakes.
Before I dive into it, let’s start with a story…
In 2008, while completing my Bachelor of Science at Carleton University, I became inspired to understand the connection between science and spirituality. A couple of years earlier I had watched the documentary, ‘What the Bleep Do We Know’ (2004), and was reading The G.O.D. Experiments (2006) by Dr. Gary Schwartz. I became convinced that understanding this elusive word called consciousness was key to my task at hand. In truth, I hoped to develop my own little theory of everything. Though I had a decent natural science background, I did not understand the wider spiritual and religious aspects of the reality we live in beyond the Christian traditions that I grew up in. In seeking more information on consciousness and spirituality, I found myself studying with a spiritual group that identified as gnostic. They presented a wide range of information that blended concepts and practices from both Western and Eastern Traditions, many that were channeled through the long deceased spiritual figure that founded their movement decades earlier. The organization they represented had even developed an entire course, with practices and all, that would guide individuals on their spiritual journey in awakening their consciousness. At the time I hadn’t heard of the term ‘spiritual awakening’ and referred to this process as awakening ones consciousness. Over the course of the year my inspiration would extend to the development of a fantasy sci-fi novel and video game, through which I could share my findings with the world via a creative outlet. The novel itself would follow the protagonist as he went through a mass transformation of consciousness. I planned on including a chapter by chapter guide book that readers could use to follow their own steps of transformation. (More on that novel in the future).
Prior to meeting this group, my understanding of the Ego came from basic introductory Psychology courses that focused more on a Freudian definition. I didn’t remember any of it by the time I started studying with the group that I was learning from. A major part of the belief system this spiritual group operated from revolved around the importance of the dissolution of the Ego. For them the Ego was an evil thing, inferior, an illusion that needed to be destroyed, dissolved, and transcended in order to reach liberation. Earlier in my life I had rejected Christian religious institutions because of the deep hypocrisy and judgment religious people often engaged in, particularly around “sin.” But in the midst of this group, I found myself engaged in the same type of self-judgment, guilt, shame and self-loathing that many of us experienced growing up in Christianity and other religious traditions. No matter what I did, no matter how “good” I tried to be, I couldn’t seem to defeat my Ego, overcome my vices, my addictions, my desires and cravings and longings. I became so at war with myself, that for much of my time with this group I felt paralyzed. From an outside perspective, the concept of ego and sin would have seemed identical. In many ways it was.
I carried this relationship to my Ego for the next decade, in a constant war with myself, with an important and vital part of my Being. Even long after I became a therapist, I clung to this conceptualization, despite knowing it was missing something vital. It was hard concept to break, and ultimately reflected a belief system rooted in many layers of trauma within ancestral and collective levels of consciousness on this planet. The part of my story outlined above touches on a lot of issues that many on their spiritual journey will have wrestled with. These themes outlining humanity’s long standing conceptualization on Ego, the self, evil and morality are rooted in a duality based state of consciousness. We will revisit this in a future blog.
Once I had finally titrated off all of my medications and my spiritual awakening could resume my understanding of the Ego, what it is, and the role it plays in spiritual awakening, psychosis, trauma and deeper layers of healing would be radically transformed. See you in Part 2.
Pieter Bruegel the Elder, The Fall of the Rebel Angels
