Let’s Try This Again - Another Day Inside My World

I began this blog two years ago, in the fall of 2022. At the time I had just started my PhD in Transpersonal Psychology. It felt like an important milestone on my journey. It represented the culmination of a series of synchronicities in a storyline of my life that began 25 years earlier when I experienced my first significant unitive experience as a teenager. That experience fueled my spiritual awakening and eventually teetered towards a spiritual emergency. Misunderstood, for the next 20 years I found myself in the clutches of one of the most deceptively cruel institutions within mainstream Western medicine, namely Psychiatry. When I started my PhD I was desperately hoping it signified the ending of the agony and chaos I had been experiencing. In truth, I was only part way through the mess of a reality within which I found myself. My spiritual awakening, and the healing my nervous system was seeking still had a long way to go. I was still trying to make sense out of it all. Eventually, and with tremendous resistance, I was called away.

Since 2017 I’ve felt forced into learning the art of surrender. Surrendering wasn’t a choice I felt I had. Regardless of what my ego or belief systems wanted at any given moment in time, my nervous system became a magnet whose pull was stronger than the great will I had developed. With an extreme intensity my thoughts, actions, expressions, movements, interests, emotions all seemed to be drawn to certain situations governed by specific “themes” or archetypal patterns, as well as a deep aversion to others. At first I exerted tremendous resistance to this. I tried to control my thoughts and change my emotions to something I thought was more acceptable. I did the same with my actions and behaviors. I even tried to sensor my voice, with every ounce of energy I had. But something else was in charge. I had lost control over my thoughts, my feelings, my voice, my actions, my appetite, my desires and interests. What was happening to me? I felt such shame and guilt over what I was or was not doing, who I was becoming, and the people I was letting down. It was like everything was replaced by compulsion. It was like I was possessed. But by what?

The tower of who I thought I was and what I thought was reality was collapsing. Over time it became clearer that these compulsions were guiding me towards positive outcomes. To deeper insights. To clearing old wounds and blockages. To being in the right place at exactly the right time, and to the exact sources of information and people I needed to help me make sense out of the past 33 years of my life. Everyone, every person, every place seemed to hold a key that unlocked a door to the next chapter. So I had hoped that when I started my PhD, it was an indication that I was landing. That my spiritual emergency was coming to an end. That I was returning home and could begin to serve a noble soul purpose. That my story was right on track. That it was all coming together. That every moment of agony would not be in vain. That the designer of this story had always intended for such a meaningful conclusion to that particular storyline, and this was the final proof. That I had somehow succeeded in overcoming all of it, proving my sanity to the world. I’d become a leader and authority figure within the professional communities to which I belonged and longed to reform. Well, like a divine orchestration that seems to be building to the perfectly synchronized finale, it got to the crescendo and then fizzled anticlimactically. Many people on the spiritual awakening journey will understand what I mean. I thought I had finally found the center of the labyrinth. Rather, I was only leaving one of the larger sections. Perhaps something akin to the closing of a timeline. Soon I’d be called on another leg of the journey. All this to say is that when I wrote the last blog back in December 2022, I was in a different place than I am now, and was a different person. I would like to try again. This time from a new place, a new perspective, and with a new voice.

I’d like to share more of my story and what it has been like trying to navigate a reality where I am guided by cosmic energies so deliberately. A reality where I am moved with such force on one hand, often leading to purposeful synchronicities and an unfolding of storylines that come together with such beauty and meaning, and yet also often with such mixed results that even I am left questioning the sanity and gracefulness of the divine consciousness that is facilitating both my own spiritual awakening, as well as the collective evolution of consciousness taking place on the planet at this moment in time. I’d be lying if I did not admit that I often wonder if the great spirit moving us all along towards unity consciousness is operating more from a drunken master style than anything. The archetypal fool, the clown, the court jester or trickster, a heyoka or Loki spirit so precise in their missteps, yet with a depth of intelligence, compassion and wisdom only fully appreciated when one zooms out far enough to view the mosaic in its entirety. Might it be within these idiosyncrasies where some of the greatest mysteries of consciousness and the nature of our personal and shared realities are revealed?

So let’s try this again. Here begins another day inside my world.